Yesterday, when the girls and I were at Target…

I woke up this morning, took my shower and started getting ready for work. Then I woke Savannah up for school. She started complaining that it hurt when she swallowed. I thought she was faking sick so she could stay home, but I checked and yep, her tonsils are red and swollen now too. Mine feel like they are on fire still. So I start thinking, "Okay, right now, she's not running a fever so maybe she can go to school and I'll take her to the doctor after school. Crap! I have an appointment after work today and I already missed it once. ……Okay, ummm, I can take her tomorrow in Corpus to the weekend clinic." Then I think, "Man what if I wait and she gets worse and we end up at the darn ER with her running a fever. I don't feel like going through all that!" Meanwhile Savannah's saying she don't want to go in to school so I KNOW if I send her, I'll get a call from the nurse at Petty saying that Savannah is complaining of a sore throat. I'll end up having to pick her up. Damn! So I decide I better go ahead and take her in today before it gets worse. So, here I go missing work. I can keep going when it's me who's sick, but I can't make my child keep going. Oh the joys of being a single mother, or a mother period! Lance has a lot going on today and has to be at his place or I would have asked him to watch her, but then that doesn't change the fact that I need to take her in (and that's in Portland) and I can't do that after school since I have an appointment already. But I talked to him this morning (Imed rather) and asked him if he would mind watching her in the future if this should happen again so I don't have to miss work. He said, he'd be glad to help. So ok, that's a good thing because that's always been a problem for me (not having any family around to help me because everybody works and paying daycare, ouch! Might as well give them my check!) So, having a friend who can't work due to disability and being there for him when he needs help actually paid off because now he can help me out too. I feel so bad about my earlier post. I get frustrated sometimes and mad at the world (or anyone I conceive to have it easier than me). That's not right, I know. I'm sorry for that.

I'm at work right now but on my break.  My throat was hurting yesterday so bad and today when I woke up my tonsils were swollen and have puss.  (Ewww)  I feel as though I may be running a slight fever but I haven't taken my temp, so I don't know for sure.  I tried to get in to see Dr Benamu but he's double booked.  He knows my history of tonsil problems, so they are going to call me in a prescription.  (THANK GOD!)  I was afraid I was gonna have to miss work tomorrow to go to Dr Collins in Portland.  (and I still owe him money)   

At lunch I went home and got some lemons with salt to try to knock this infection out. An old remedy I learned from my ex-fiancé'. It's really bitter and taste pretty bad but it does help the pain a little.

I don't know what I have to do after work today. All I want to do is pick up my meds and go home to lay down.

 Lately, I can't help but feel some jealousy towards Lance. (Lance is my best friend). I mean, it's wrong I know but I feel it none the less. He has gotten his place now (with a grant) and he's getting new furnishings on Friday (also free) plus free houseware appliances too. He's getting everything hooked up including his cable and internet. Why should that make me jealous? I mean that's great, right? I guess because he was homeless for about a week and a half to two weeks and he's ok now while I've been in my situation forever and a day and can't seem to even see the light. I'm happy for him, but at the same time, I don't think I want to see him. It only reminds me of what I can't have. What my children can't have. Then I get angry. I don't want to feel this. I'm thinking, no matter what I do, the system keeps me down. If I get sick, (like today), that's just tough shit. I have no insurance so I have to come up with the money. If he gets sick, he has Medicaid. No worries. Nobody's gonna hand me money for a place and everything I need to live there.  I could give up my car and get some old clunker, but then that would only be more stress because I will have to worry about repairs.

Well, hello hello!    I've been meaning to post but I got lazy yesterday and couldn't seem to move!  lol  Okay, so I'll post the other post a little later, right now I just HAVE to brag on my two beautiful and intelligent baby girls.  I have to.  I mean really, I can't control myself, I'm so dang proud of them!  And all you mommies and daddies out there know the feeling.  Ok.  BOTH my girls made honor-roll.  Savannah (my youngest,8) made A and Mariah (my 13 yr old) made A & B.  What makes me so proud is that Savannah doesn't just bring home A's but get this, her lowest grade was a 94. So they're high A's at that.  Her highest grade was 100!!  As for Mariah, well she's a teenager who's attention is no longer on just her work anymore (if you know what I mean)  Yeah, her eyes and thoughts are starting to wonder but she's a good kid and knows just how far she can take the whole boy thing.  She brought a C home last six weeks and that's not tollerated in this house unless I know you tried your best.  Mariah's smart, so a C for her was just plain laziness.  I can't let her lose sight of her goals so I reminded her what's important by limiting her phone calls to one hour a day (now you know teenagers LIVE on the phone) until her grade came up to a B.  It worked.  She brought it up to a B!  I KNEW she could do it.  So if you read this baby girl....I am SO SO PROUD of you!! 

Savannah's grades: (semester avg in ( ) )

Language Arts 2: 98  (98)

Math: 96 (96)

Reading 2: 98 (95)

Science 2: 100 (99)

Social Studies 2: 94 (95)

Mariah's  grades: (Semester avg in ( ) )

From my baby's broken heart:

She handed me a paper, and this is what it read:

I needed your hand.  I missed you in my life. I was there, where were you when I needed you most?  I needed your guidance, a fathers hand, but you weren't there.  How can I forgive?  I needed your hand but now I wish you would just Go Away!

I think I'll send it to him.  What do you think?

Paul and I broke up a few days ago.  Some people can not remain friends after a relationship.  That is what's so hard on me when a friendship becomes something more.  I have never been good at goodbyes.  I HATE them, to be truthful.  When I offer my friendship to you, it's forever and I have a hard time understanding people who can walk away from you with seemingly no problem.  Paul and I were friends for a long time before deciding to take it further and just like that, he can tell me "Never mind.  Have a nice life."  Paul is a Psychologist and he knew I suffered from depression.  Guess he couldn't "fix" me so he got frustrated and threw me away. (Like a child with a broken toy).  Anyway, so here's my last letter to him.  He has not responded and I am not going to bother him anymore.  Aparantly our friendship meant more to me than it did him.  (so what else is new?) Here it is:

Feeling a little anti-social today.  I'm just tired and a little grumpy.  I finally put a counter on my blog.  I figured what the hell, it'd be nice to see if anyone ever even reads it. 

When we were growing up, I used to think my father was so strange because he made a big deal out of being extra quiet when someone knocked at the door.  We would normally have to stand in place and not move until whoever it was went away.  I realized today that I have become just like my father.  Today, the phone rang, it was my nieghbor.  All I could think was "Oh man, what could she want?"  I didn't answer.  A few minutes later someone rings the doorbell.  I just ignored it.  I wanted to be left alone.  All I could think is that everytime someone comes over for me, it's bad news.  No more bad news please. I can't take it.  She stayed and knocked even (maybe thinking the bell was not working) and finally she gave up and went away.  I knew it wasn't anything concerning my kids because the school would have called me, not Ann.  For the life of me I could not figure out what she could possibly want.  I mean, it's just me here.  I'm nobody.  She normally speaks to Angel or mom if she wants to gossip.  I'm not the type.  So anyway a little later I decided to give her a call to see what she wanted.  No explanations, after all I have a right not to answer the door if I don't want to, right?  She thanked me for calling and said she only needed a cup of flour which she already got from another neighbor.  Boy, I need help.